An essay about belief, doubt, and why I am not a Christian,
by Ryan Sherman
Preface: a transcript of a long-ago internal dialogue
Am I Christian? What is Christian?
Someone who has a personal relationship with God.
Do I have such a relationship with God?
Well, I don’t really know.
But doesn’t it seem like the kind of thing one would know if one had?
Yes. So, if I don’t really know if I have a personal relationship with God, then I probably don’t.
Am I sincere? Do I pursue God? Do I pray?
Yes. I do. I think I do.
What about other people? What makes them sure about their relationship with God?
They feel his presence. They are filled with his joy when worshiping, and his righteous anger when faced with evil. They feel truth in his words in the Bible.
Have I felt these things?
Yes, I have.
Why do I question these experiences?
Because it seems that whether or not Christianity is true, we would still have these experiences. Because people from other religions seem to also have these experiences, to a much greater degree in some cases. Because no matter the religion, these experiences infuse our lives with a certainty and purpose that calms our fears and doubts and confirms to them that their lives are valid. And these universal characteristics among religions seem speak to the possibility that they fulfill common needs and play similar roles.
Like what? What kinds of needs and roles would religion play?
Like needing to feel that the suffering and unfairness in the world is somehow reconciled in the light of eternity. To pacify the smallness and helplessness one feels when confronted with mortality. To fill a gap left from childhood when we were utterly helpless and found safety in our caregivers whom we experienced as all-loving, all-knowing, all-powerful. To project into eternity what we already believe, that being kind and loving is better than being selfish and exploiting people. To comfort us when we feel completely misunderstood and alone, like no one knows us or loves us. To help us build good families and lives and communities. To reaffirm us when we feel unlovable or like no one would want us if they knew what we really were like.
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